Ironclad

Ironclad is a medieval action movie. It is probably the goriest, most violent movie not directed by Eli Roth. I liked it.

Paul Giamatti delivers an excellent performance as the unflinchingly self-confident King John, especially in his rant on Divine Right. By popular request (one ambivalent sounding sentence from one person), more after the J. (Spoiler warning and descriptions of disturbing imagery warning)

Ironclad is about King John (of Robin Hood fame) fighting with some barons (so far, so good on historical accuracy) and there's no Robin Hood, no Sherriff of Nottingham, no Maid Marian: just ill will about the Magna Carta (on John's part) and about the loss of freedom (on some Baron's part) when John reneges on it. Still doing pretty well on the historicity front, from what I can tell. So John gets some Danish mercenaries (who, according to another reviewer who apparently knows Hungarian, are speaking Hungarian to each other) and, promising the Danes that the Pope will leave Denmark alone if they help him with his quest, in which the Pope is apparently on his side, goes rampaging aimlessly cross the land. You're starting to lose the historians (and linguists) at this point, but I say, keep it coming! The Baron of something or other gets together seven samurai, I mean knights (including a Knight Templar who is referred to in the movie as a "warrior monk" - no kidding!), and goes to defend Rochester Castle against overwhelming odds.

At this point, you may be wondering if this is a remake of Seven Samurai. Upon further review, it probably is, not shot for shot (though they do recruit the requisite guy chopping wood), but a remake nevertheless. Now, the writing, directing, acting and editing are not on a par with The Magnificent Seven or Seven Samurai (the natural comparison for a remake being the original and a previous remake), but there was something that made me like it, that may even have been better than those past movies.... oh yeah! The gore! Ironclad was a really gory movie. You may have seen medieval weapons tested on the History Channel's Deadliest Warrior (which is one of my favorite shows) and wondered "What would this look like in real life?" Ironclad seeks to show you the answer to that question. Limbs are severed, a man is hewn from collar to belly, and in general, it feels like you're in the midst of a medieval battle. It's fun. It sates your thirst for blood. The sound effects are convincing.

Are you looking for a movie that is well made overall? I don't recommend Ironclad. Are you looking for medieval violence and gore? This is your movie. I mentioned Giamatti's monologue about Divine Right. I guess some reviewers said it was (new term for me) chewing the scenery, but the fact is, this is what John was, from all historical accounts, and it's also fascinating to watch. If you watch this movie, and don't love the Divine Right scene, either you were already spoiled on it by your disgust at the wooden dialogue throughout the rest of the movie, or you just don't like good monologues. Now, as I just implied, the rest of the movie was filled with boring, forgettable dialogue, delivered with boring, forgettable acting. Derek Jacobi was actually in this movie, and his lines were so bad, he eventually hung himself in protest. The guy from The Bourne Identity was in this, and the only thing I remember about him was that he spoke with an American accent the whole time. The romantic subplot was lackluster, to put it nicely. The characterizations were weak. So why did I like this movie? Did I not already mention that it was like an episode of Deadliest Warrior come to life?

So, in the end, nothing I could tell you about it could really spoil the movie. If you would have liked the movie, you'll like it anyway, even if you know how it ends. If you wouldn't have liked it, I spared you by exposing everything weak about it and convincing you not to see it. But I liked it.